Growing In Virtue

 “Then Peter approaching asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:21-22).
 
The call to forgiveness is something of which we are all aware. As a concept, forgiveness makes sense, and we can understand why the Lord would highlight its importance. However, Jesus does not ask us to just accept the mere concept of forgiveness. Rather, He calls us to actively practice forgiveness when others hurt us. Because of this, forgiveness cannot stay an abstract concept or a lofty ideal. It must become a habitual and practical part of the way we live our daily lives as Christians here on earth.
 
Let’s consider the scripture above. If we look at this exchange between Peter and Jesus, we can find something to help us better understand the practical part of forgiveness. When Jesus says to forgive “not seven times but seventy-seven times,” he’s implying that our forgiveness should be without limit, imitating the abundant way God extends forgiveness towards us. Also, while further reflecting on this scripture, it struck me that the Lord’s command to forgive seventy-seven times isn’t just for different offenses and it isn’t contingent on someone else saying “I’m sorry.” So, what does this mean as we learn to forgive? It means we can forgive others over and over again – even for the same offense – whether or not they feel sorrowful.
 
Oftentimes, we try our best to forgive someone, only to find familiar feelings of resentment and hurt resurfacing again and again. When those feelings return, we can be tempted to lose heart and believe we “didn’t do it right.” We may even be inclined to give up trying to forgive altogether. But what if those familiar feelings of resentment and hurt aren’t signs that we did it “wrong” or that we will never be able to truly forgive? Those feelings resurfacing could simply be an encouraging reminder - “It is time to forgive again.” This is not you failing at forgiveness. This is you learning to forgive without limit. 
 
It’s also important to realize that forgiving is not the same as forgetting. The Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) helps put this into perspective: “It is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense; but the heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit turns injury into compassion and purifies the memory in transforming the hurt into intercession” (CCC, paragraph 2843).
 
The Church tells us that, if we offer the Lord our hearts, His Spirit will transform our pain and heal our memory. Truly, the Lord is the One who makes “all things new” (Revelation 21:5). 
 
When my wife, Abby, and I were engaged, our priest gave us a marriage prep assignment that helped us consistently grow in the virtue of forgiveness. Each week, we would have an intentional conversation where we would take turns listing out the ways we offended the other throughout the week. After one of us finished our apology, it was time for the other to acknowledge it, make the choice to forgive, and let go of resentment – “Thank you for your apology. I forgive you.” This continual, active commitment to forgive one another transformed our engagement and now our marriage.
 
But you may still be wondering, how can I practically grow in the virtue of forgiveness? With this question in mind, let me offer you five practical steps:
 
1 PRAY
Ask God to give you the grace you need to see the other person through His eyes.
 
2 ACKNOWLEDGE
Be honest about who has hurt you and what happened without minimizing or excusing it. How did it affect you?
 
3 UNITE
Unite your pain with a time in Jesus’ life when He may have felt similarly. Surrender your pain to God, trusting that He has already begun to heal and restore peace in your heart. 
 
4 RELEASE
Ask God to help you release resentment, even if emotions take time to follow. Remember – forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. 
“In the name of Jesus, I forgive [person] for [what happened]. I pray for the grace to release any resentment from my heart, and I trust that You will take care of me.”

5 INTERCEDE
Pray for the one who hurt you. Ask God to bless them, transform their heart, and lead them closer to Him.
 
Remember, forgiveness is an ongoing process. If old wounds resurface, renew your decision to forgive and continue to pray for healing. The more you practice forgiveness, the more natural it becomes. 
 
Let’s keep learning to forgive like Jesus… without limit.

--
Mark Dufrene is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Catholic life coach, and musician. He and his wife, Abby, live with their 3 boys in Thibodaux where they attend St. Thomas Aquinas Catholic Church.